


And the music played.

by Miadotfi



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: (also a brief mention), (just a brief mention), Anxiety, Bisexual Character, Coming Out, Depression, Drug Use, F/F, Falling in love with your best friend, Friends to Lovers, Girl Direction, Growing Up, Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, Panic Attacks, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:01:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22039459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miadotfi/pseuds/Miadotfi
Summary: “You seem off for a while, though.” They’re talking about this then. Louis sighs. She hoped Harry hasn’t noticed Louis’ awkward behaviour.“I’m nervous about the stupid GCSEs,” Louis blurts out the first thing that comes to her mind.“But… they’re next year,” Harry frowns. Louis just shrugs.“Lou…is it about me? Have I done something? Just tell me, please. I’m worried.” Harry and her heart on her sleeve. Louis is fucked.“Yeah,” she chokes, “I mean no! It’s not about you, it’s…” She looks down on her hands and gathers all her strength to look Harry in the eyes. How does she tell her best friend that she enjoyed kissing her more than kissing the hottest boy in school? She doesn’t, that’s right.Louis struggles with accepting her sexuality. She tries to fight it until she can't anymore.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 12
Kudos: 62





	And the music played.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> Back in 2017, Reverse Big Bang happened. I signed up as an artist and made a playlist. My playlist was picked up by an author but for unknown reasons, the author stopped communicating with me and with the mods. That happens sometimes. But I loved my playlist too much and had a story in my head anyway, so I wrote it. I haven't written anything that fast. I haven't written anything that long. Then it came to editing and even though my betas were the most loveliest and supportive and amazing people, I couldn't finish it.
> 
> This story has been in my Google Docs for two and a half years. It's now or never. And I want to publish it. With all its flaws and imperfections and mistakes. Because this story is the most personal piece I've ever written. You could read my diaries and they'd be less personal than this. This story is forever a reminder of how I felt back in 2017. All the struggles I went through. And it feels right to publish it at the very beginning of the new decade.
> 
> The playlist plays an integral part to this story. You can find the playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6QtpFxoTAlzWV6aVrZphvz). All songs are quoted in the story and linked to YouTube.
> 
> I want to thank my betas - [polkadotsvstripes](https://polkadotsvstripes.tumblr.com/), [stylesbandshirts](https://stylesbandshirts.tumblr.com/) and [disgruntledkittenface](https://disgruntledkittenface.tumblr.com). You probably don't even remember working on this. Thank you for your kindness, patience, help, insightful comments and advice. I've learnt so much thanks to you.
> 
> Any remaining mistakes, typos and nonsenses are mine because I'm too stubborn. 
> 
> The title is taken from the song The Garden by Take That.

**PROLOGUE**  
_  
It’s a warm, sunny day at the end of August. Two little girls are lying on a green plush grass in a park, looking up at a blue sky with only a few fluffy white clouds. They are holding hands and animatedly talking, like only five-year-olds can._

_“[When I grow up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGPXA7UOocE), I’m gonna eat sweets every day!” one girl squeals excitedly, wearing yellow dress with white polka dots. She has a flower crown in her dark, curly hair._

_“When I grow up, I’m gonna be tall enough to climb the tallest tree in this park,” answers the other girl. She’s in a baby blue glittery tutu skirt and trainers. She kicks off the shoes and digs her small bare feet into the grass. It tickles and she giggles._  
_“And watch cartoons!”_  
_“And go to bed late!”_  
_“And buy all the toys my Mum won’t buy me now!”_

_“Harry, Louis! Come here, doves! I have to put sunscreen on you!” A woman sitting on a bench nearby is holding a bottle of sunscreen in one hand, a bottle of cold orange juice in the other._

_Louis is about to jump up from the ground when Harry tugs at her hand, brows furrowed with worry. “And… what about monsters under the bed?” she whispers, eyes quickly filling with tears._  
_“We are going to be strong enough to scare them off together,” Louis answers easily._

_“Louis! Harry! The sunscreen!” Mum calls exasperatedly._

Louis wakes up in the middle of the night. It was that dream again. Except, it wasn’t a dream, but a very bright memory that doesn’t fade with time, as all the other memories of Louis’ childhood that has something to do with her best friend don’t. Louis has fond memories of her Mum, the smell of her perfume and a washing powder she’s been using for years. She remembers [her Grandmother humming the theme-tune to the news](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqdU2wnl9Sw). The big hands of her Grandfather, showing her pictures of his long gone friends and telling her fantastic stories. The memories get a little blurred around the edges with time. But nothing, not a single memory, is brighter than any memory of the curly haired girl. Climbing trees together. Falling out of trees together. First day of school, uniforms too itchy and bags too big and too bright smiles with missing front teeth. Because one feels invincible with their best friend next to them.

Louis sighs as she wipes a tear with the corner of her duvet. Another sleepless night then.

✭✮✭✮✭ 

On a sunny lunch break during Year One, Harry runs across the school playground to Louis. She breathlessly shares the most appalling news Louis has ever heard.

“Tommy and Lizzie kissed! I saw them! I saw them behind the slide.”  
“What? Eeeeeeew!”  
“I knooooow!” They share a moment of disgust and then Harry gasps. “No, what if he wants to kiss me, too? Or Smelly Peter!” she wrinkles her nose. “I don’t want my first kiss from any of them!"  
“Me neither,” answers Louis. Impulsively, Louis drags Harry across the school yard and behind the now abandoned slide. Standing face to face, holding both Harry’s hands, Louis kisses Harry square on the mouth. Harry bulges her eyes in shock but then starts giggling and Louis is bubbly and happy. The girls spend the rest of the lunch break behind the slide, lunch boxes long forgotten.

\----

Louis’ bored. She’s at her classmate’s thirteenth birthday party, all the girls but Louis reading glossy fashion magazines and discussing who has prettier eyes - Tommy or Peter (oh how the tables turn). Louis can’t be bothered about boys. Her Mum says she’ll get to it but Louis is skeptical. All Louis wants is to go home soon, she can’t wait to spend the evening with her head in Harry’s lap, listening to her read out loud. Harry Potter, Pride and Prejudice, Lord of the Rings, name the book and Louis has probably listened to Harry reading it to her. Louis hopes tonight Harry will read her one of her original stories. Louis loves those the most. Harry has a great imagination and a gift for finding just the right words to paint her worlds so vividly; Louis is amazed by Harry’s stories. Louis is amazed by Harry.

\----

Louis stares at the ugly brown carpet in the headmistress’ office. She knows the pattern by heart by now.

“Good afternoon, Miss Tomlinson,” greets the headmistress as she enters the room, without a trace of surprise in her voice. They’ve met like this too many times.  
“Good afternoon, Professor Smith,” replies Louis, still staring at the carpet. In the corner of her eye she can see Mrs. Smith sitting down behind her desk, looking through the papers there.  
“What was it this time?”  
“Those bit-” Headmistress’ head snaps up and she coughs pointedly. “Sorry, Professor Smith.”

Louis knuckles are white with rage just thinking about what happened a half an hour ago. “Those girls were gossiping again behind people’s backs. Again. They were making fun of everyone who entered the school cafeteria. Again.” She lets the anger overwhelm her. “I couldn’t stand it anymore!”  
“Miss Tomlinson, calm down, please.” Louis knows the headmistress doesn’t mean it badly, she’s been on Louis’ side most of the time. But Louis can’t calm down.  
“At least this time I just yelled at them. God knows they deserved a few punches."  
“Leave it to God and me to decide what those girls deserve, Miss Tomlinson,” Mrs. Smith sighs.

Louis has gotten to a few fights with other girls. She just can’t stand when someone is being mean to her friends. Harry. Or her sisters. Not on Louis’ watch, no.

“Louis,” Mrs. Smith starts with a gentle voice, “you should calm your temper. These incidents have to stop. They can affect your grades and your future.”  
“I don’t care about my future when someone picks on my friends!”  
“Don’t say that, Louis. You have a bright future ahead of you.” Louis doesn’t want to hear that, she wants revenge. She sets her chin high and purses her lips in defiance.  
“What are you going to do about the girls then? Are you going to let your students be bullied and look the other way?”  
“Miss Tomlinson, mind your tone!” Mrs. Smith raises her voice.

The fight slowly leaves Louis, leaving her a bit scared. 

“To answer your accusations, of course I’m going to have a word with the girls. And their parents. We have zero bullying policy at this school and you know that. But I would really appreciate if you let our staff solve the issues, not you.”

In that moment, the door bursts open and a very out-of-breath Harry stumbles into the room.  
“Professor Smith, please don’t punish Louis. She didn’t do anything wrong. Please!”

“Miss Styles, good afternoon to you, too. Seven minutes this time. And still don’t know how to knock.” Harry gets a lovely shade of pink from embarrassment. This isn’t an unusual occurrence, either. Every time Louis is at the headmistress’ office, Harry comes to plead for Louis’ innocence sooner or later. 

“Don’t worry, Miss Styles, we were just finishing. I have to write to your parents, though, Miss Tomlinson.”  
“But Louis won’t be punished, right? You won’t write a report in her files. Please, don’t write a report.”  
“Your concern about Miss Tomlinson’s future is heartwarming, Miss Styles. I wish Miss Tomlinson was this concerned.”  


It’s now Louis’ turn to blush. Where Louis has her feelings well guarded, Harry wears her heart on her sleeve. That’s one of the reasons Louis always wants to protect Harry. 

“No, I won’t write a report. This time.” Mrs. Smith gives Louis an intense look.  
“Thank you,” both Louis and Harry answer with relief.  
“Now go. Please, Miss Tomlinson, I don’t want to see you in my office any time soon.”  
“Yes, Professor Smith. Goodbye.”

Instead of their classroom, Harry drags Louis into a school bathroom.  
“Why do you keep doing this, Lou? What were you thinking?” Harry says sadly and hugs Louis, nuzzling her nose into Louis’ neck. “They are right, I look like a baby giraffe.”  
“No, Harry, they aren’t right!” Louis knows Harry has been struggling with her body for a while, too lanky and uncoordinated in Harry’s opinion, absolutely perfect and adorable in Louis’. “And someone has to teach them a lesson.”  
Harry looks up at Louis, her big round eyes filling with tears quickly. “I just don’t want you to get into trouble because of me.” Louis hugs Harry tighter and kisses her hair.  
“You’re worth it.”

\----

Louis knows trouble when she sees a bottle of wine in one of her friend’s hands. The birthday party is in full swing and what would be a sweet sixteen party without a game of spin the bottle. The bottle has to be empty first, though. Louis only takes a gulp, too nervous about the game, but nobody pays her any attention, really. Not even Harry.

Soon enough the game begins. All the partygoers are sitting in a circle, so there’s only a slight possibility she’s going to have to kiss anyone more than once. No such luck, though. Zayn, who’s sitting next to Harry and has been chatting her up all evening, spins the wine bottle and it lands on Louis. All the people scream and yell and laugh excitedly and Louis has to do something soon.

“Kiss, kiss, kiss!” everybody chants and Zayn just leans in and presses his lips on Louis’. It’s over in a second. Louis keeps looking at the carpet, why was she nervous in the first place? The kiss didn’t feel even remotely good.

The game moves on quickly, everybody too eager for their turn to get the chance to kiss someone, not noticing Louis’ internal confusion.

“Tommo, your turn!” She should have drunk more wine. She closes her eyes and spins the bottle. It turns and turns until it lands on… Harry.

Harry beams. This time Louis is even more nervous about making a tit out of herself. She presses a quick kiss to Harry’s lips. It feels so much better than kissing Zayn - Harry’s lips are so much softer than his and she can taste Harry’s watermelon lip gloss. Louis’ lips are tingling and her heart is beating faster. She hopes she’s not blushing too much. Trying to hide her reaction, Louis pays attention to the game. Watching others to kiss serves as a great distraction, Louis finds out.

The party dies quickly after the game ends.

“I’m pissed I didn’t get to kiss someone!” Harry pouts on their way home from the party. She trips over thin air and giggles. She drank more wine than Louis.  
“You kissed me.” Louis feels small and unimportant to Harry at that moment.  
“I didn’t mean it like that. It was good. But I wanted to kiss someone else, too.” Harry pouts again. They walk in silence for a few minutes.

“How was it, kissing Zayn?” Harry asks suddenly.  
“Uhm…normal?” Louis doesn’t want to think or talk about it.  
“Just normal? Do you know how lucky you are? All the girls were jealous!”

Louis can feel her heartbeat rising and anger pooling in her stomach.  
“Well, you don’t have to be. He talked to you all evening, he wouldn’t have minded if you had kissed him!” she spits out and immediately regrets it. It’s been a lot for Louis, this damn evening, this damn conversation, these damn confusing kisses.  
“I wasn’t…talking about myself…” Harry says quietly. “Oh, who’s the better kisser? Zayn or I? You can compare now!” Harry asks too loud for the late hour.  
“Harry! Leave it!” A spooked cat meows and runs across the road. Louis can stop tears filling her eyes only if she focuses on the anger in her stomach.

That night, after Louis’s calmed down enough, she tries to untangle the mess in her head. She’s laying on her back, staring at the ceiling. Harry was right, she has a comparison now. And kissing Harry gave her the same reaction she’s always thought she’d have to kissing boys. It didn’t feel like that with Zayn. At all. The more she thinks about her reactions, the less she wants to understand.

She turns to her side, closing her eyes. She desperately wants to feel something for Zayn but it isn’t working. When she falls asleep in the early morning, she dreams about Harry instead.

\---

A few weeks after the party, Harry takes Louis to the cinema. Louis doesn’t feel like going but it’s a new James Bond film Harry was so excited to see. 

As soon as the film begins, Harry grabs Louis’ hand and makes herself comfortable, leaning on Louis. Louis used to love it, the touch of her friend familiar and calming. But today she’s aware of every square centimeter where their bodies touch. She wishes she understood why. She doesn’t pay attention to what’s happening on the screen. She feels like in a fever dream, too hot and too stiff but Harry looks comfortable, her head on Louis’ shoulder. She chuckles from time to time and plays with Louis’ fingers and Louis wants to cry. She wants to sit back and enjoy the film. Instead, she’s focusing on the storm of feelings inside her chest - the aching for more that she wants to disappear and the fear of even thinking about what’s been happening with her since the party.

As soon as the lights come back on, Louis jumps out of her seat and flees the room. She runs to the bathrooms and defeatedly sits on a closed toilet. When she calms down eventually and returns to the lobby, there Harry is, waiting for her with a big bucket of popcorn and two drinks. Harry has a strict policy about eating during a screening, so they buy snacks afterwards. Everything is as usual then, Louis thinks. That’s good.

“There you are! Ready to talk about the film? It was so amazing, I want to go again!” Harry is obviously excited and Louis doesn’t want to ruin her evening.  
“Yes, let’s go again!” she finds herself saying, even though that’s the exact opposite of what she wants. She lets Harry talk about her favourite scenes and gags and the bad ones and she counts all of them on Louis’ fingers. Even now Louis can’t concentrate.

“And that was the best scene in the film!” Louis registers Harry’s stopped talking and waiting for Louis to say something.  
“Yeah, yeah, that scene was my favourite, too,” Louis replies.  
“I made that up, Lou. There wasn’t a scene where James Bond married Thor and they didn’t elope on USS Enterprise,” Harry frowns. “Are you okay?” Louis plays with a straw in her drink.  
“It was too hot in there, I couldn’t focus,” Louis says and eats a piece of popcorn, just to have something to do with her hands.  
“You seem off for a while, though.” They’re talking about this then. Louis sighs. She hoped Harry hasn’t noticed Louis’ awkward behaviour.  
“I’m nervous about the stupid GCSEs,” Louis blurts out the first thing that comes to her mind.  
“But… they’re next year,” Harry frowns. Louis just shrugs.

“Lou…is it about me? Have I done something? Just tell me, please. I’m worried.” Harry and her heart on her sleeve. Louis is fucked.  
“Yeah,” she chokes, “I mean no! It’s not about you, it’s…” She looks down on her hands and gathers all her strength to look Harry in the eyes. How does she tell her best friend that she enjoyed kissing her more than kissing the hottest boy in school? She doesn’t, that’s right. 

“We’re good,” Louis lies instead and hopes her smile looks genuine. “Let’s go home.”

They stand up, throw away the empty cups and the popcorn bucket and Harry automatically reaches for Louis’ hand. They are used to holding hands in public, they’ve been always very touchy-feely, but for the first time, Louis flinches. She can’t handle the increasing discomfort she’s been feeling while touching Harry today.

“Lou?” Harry pouts. “What’s going on?”  
“Don’t you think we’re too old for holding hands?” Louis looks down on her shoes.  
“But…”  
“But nothing, Harry. Leave it. We look stupid like that.” Louis knows she’s inexcusably harsh. 

She wants to cry when she sees Harry’s slouched shoulders, trying to look as small as she can. But Louis has to protect her sanity and that can only be achieved by putting some distance between them.

“The plan still stands, right?” Harry asks quietly. They both agreed months ago to go to a university together, preferably to Manchester, renting a flat, living the dream.  
“‘f course. We’re going to Manchester for uni and renting a flat together. Living the dream.” Louis can feel how fake her smile is. Truth be told, Louis is dreading the future. She wants to sleep forever instead.

Louis goes to bed extremely early, convincing herself she’s that tired. She dreams that Harry is a female James Bond and Louis is the Bond girl. She wakes up when Harry kisses her passionately and fall together on the bed in a tangle of limbs.

“Shit. Shitshitshit!” Louis whispers, breathing shallow. She grabs a bottle from her night stand with shaking hands, accidentally spills some water on her T-shirt and duvet but doesn’t pay any attention to the wet patches. “I’m not… It’s not true. It’s not,” she repeats over and over.

She tries even more to convince herself she liked the kiss because Harry’s her best friend and she’s comfortable around her. That must be it. But the damage is done.

\----

The year before GCSE’s is extremely difficult for Louis. But she’s learned how to cope with her feelings towards Harry, how to deny every single one. She doesn’t hold Harry’s hand again. Even though Harry keeps trying. Louis cries every night she has to reject Harry’s attempt. But after a few rejections, Harry stops. Louis doesn’t stop crying.

Louis keeps more and more to herself. She feels slightly better behind the walls she’s built. She focuses on her schoolwork, spends as much time studying and revising as possible.

Even though it hurts, she can’t cut Harry out of her life. Louis is the bad one, Harry hasn’t done anything wrong.

\----

Louis keeps staring at the letter of admission to University of Manchester in her hands. What once seemed like the best idea isn’t that appealing now. She’s put the emotional mess inside her head on the back burner once again and focused solely on her A-levels. Thanks to that and Harry’s constant yet painful support she aced the exams and was accepted to more universities. Louis hasn’t told Harry about the other options. Only her Mum knows about them. How much guilt can a person feel? Louis doesn’t think she can feel any more.

With the stress over, Louis has been dreading the fast approaching future. Louis’ phone goes off on top of the letter of admission to UWE and gets Louis back to reality. It’s Harry texting her, she’s home from shopping and wants to show her the dress she bought for an A-levels party tomorrow. Louis grabs her phone, keys, and her own party dress and gets on the way.

Louis is excited for the A-levels party. It’s the last time when their friend group is really going to be together before they all scatter around the country to achieve big things. To be honest, Louis is mostly looking forward to seeing Harry in a fancy dress, all dolled up and smiling brightly. Just the mental image makes her heart flutter. She wants to let her hair down, spend the evening with Harry, dance a little too close and drink too many sweet cocktails, maybe steal a kiss or two and later blame it all on too much alcohol. Just one night to have it all and then she can go back to pretending.

Louis’ went dress hunting with her sister Lottie a few days ago, and Lottie promised to help both Louis and Harry with hair and make-up. Louis would lie if she said she isn’t excited for the party. It’s the first time in months she’s looking forward to something. Maybe it means things are getting back to normal, how they used to be, Louis hopes.

“Hello!” Harry greets Louis brightly, dimples on full display. “Show me your dress, show me, show me!” Harry all but drags Louis upstairs to her room and Louis can’t resist. As soon as they get to Harry’s bedroom, Louis pulls her T-shirt over her head and only in a bra and jeans she opens the bag with her dress. She hears Harry gasp softly, probably reacting to the beautiful deep blue colour of the dress. Her Mum gasped, too.

As she zips herself into the dress and turns around, she catches Harry looking at her softly, but Harry schools her face faster than Louis can blink.  
“So…what do you think?” Louis asks Harry nervously, tugging at a strap on her shoulder. She’s not used to dresses and it feels too tight. Lottie had assured her over and over she looks great, her curves on display.

“I…” Harry chokes on her words and opens and closes her mouth and what is happening? Are those tears in Harry’s eyes? Louis’ heart is going to beat its way from her ribcage. “You…you look wonderful. Like a princess,” she whispers. Louis blushes and her toes curl.  
“Thank you,” she whispers back. “Ehm… so… show me yours?”  
“Oh, right… okay. Be right back!” Harry says, already in the hallway.

Louis is toying with her hair in front of Harry’s vanity mirror, a small plastic box with bobby pins in her other hand. Her fringe won’t stay in place, always falling into her eyes. The only reason why she still has a fringe is that she can’t get enough of Harry’s light touches when she sweeps Louis’ hair off her forehead.

Louis almost drops the bobby pins when she sees Harry in her dress. She definitely forgets how to breathe for a few seconds. The girl is a sight, milky skin contrasting with the dark plum colour of her strapless velvet dress.

“You look… amazing.” Her hands are shaking and the rattle of bobby pins snaps her out of wondering if Harry’s wearing a bra under the damned dress. She shouldn’t be thinking about such things. What’s wrong with her? Louis turns back to the mirror. It’s easier to talk to Harry when she’s not looking at her. 

“The colour suits you,” Louis says in much stronger voice, “and the fit is just so! Uhm… What do you think I should do with that fucking fringe? I think scissors,” Louis continues. 

Harry is silent.

“I’m going with Zayn,” Harry says out of the blue.  
“What?” Louis drops the box with bobby pins and they scatter all around wooden floors in Harry’s bedroom.  
“I said… I’m going with Zayn,” Harry repeats. “He asked me out to the party. I said yes.” 

Louis looks at Harry, her long fingers curled into fists.

“Wh- why?” Louis stutters. There’s a high probability she’s going to be sick or start crying or both.  
“He…” Harry finally looks up from the floor and straight into Louis’ eyes, chin defiantly high, “He isn’t afraid of holding my hand in public.”

Louis is out of the door before she realises what is happening. She runs in her fancy dress through the streets of Doncaster, still wearing the jeans underneath that she didn’t bother to take off. She [can’t stop hearing the words](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B5OqINSCYY) Harry said, on repeat and on repeat like a broken record. _I’m going with Zayn. He isn’t afraid of holding my hand in public._

She doesn’t go to the party. Her midnight blue satin dress lays bunched on the floor next to her dead mobile phone while she cries her eyes out all night.

\----

_That’s what I get for thinking that maybe I could feel good again_, Louis thinks as she scrubs tiles in the bathroom with a toothbrush. She’s been keeping busy with cleaning her room and then their kitchen and bathroom. She can tell she’s worrying her mother, given she’s shut out everyone, not talking or eating, and constantly red-eyed from crying.

That night Louis barges to her Mum’s bedroom way past midnight.

“I’m going to Bristol.”  
“Bristol? What? What is going on, dove?” Jay asks groggily but wakes up suddenly when she realises Louis is talking to her. For the first time in two weeks.  
“I like the midwifery course at UWE more than in Manchester anyway. I want the best course.”  
“Okay, then. University. Bristol. Yes…please, lay down here, get some sleep. Or…you could tell me what happened?” Jay asks warily.  
“Nothing,” Louis answers curtly and storms off to her own bedroom.

[\----](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AD4Abh36Ks)

\----

Louis arrives to Bristol with two huge suitcases and a backpack, insisting on travelling there alone. She has a plan to start anew, as cliché as it might sound. She doesn’t care. Not anymore.

The accommodation on Glenside Campus is nice. Louis has her own bedroom and shares a kitchenette and a bathroom with two other girls. She got lucky with her flatmates. Puppy-eyed and too-good-for-this-world Liam was the mother hen from the get go, welcoming Louis with a cup of tea. Niall, an abroad student from Ireland, might seem loud and happy-go-lucky on the outside, but is serious and determined.

Louis really looks forward to classes, with the best intentions to excel at everything. But reality deters from plans. Louis is tired. She can’t sleep; [the ringing inside her head](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nz6gg1-4VPc) keeps her from a good night’s rest, but she keeps telling herself it’s preferable to dreaming about Harry. She doesn’t want to think about her. After too many sleepless nights she feels like she’s going out of her mind. Louis can’t stand coffee and tea isn’t helping staying her awake anymore. Two weeks into the semester, Louis pours an energy drink into her travel mug. That Friday night Liam and Niall drag her out to a party for first year students and that’s the biggest mistake. Louis could handle her alcohol pretty well, but mixed with the bone deep exhaustion it’s a recipe for disaster pretty quickly.

She can’t remember much of that night, but she did remember taking a shot every time she caught herself eyeing up a girl instead of a guy. The next morning, crying once again with a pounding headache and upset stomach, she remembers snogging a guy Liam introduced to her. Her stomach turns upside down and she barely manages to make it to the bathroom. Tears mix with vomit in her mouth.

\----

Louis is sitting at the small dining table in the kitchenette with her computer open. She should be writing a paper for her _Communication in a Diverse World_ class, but she’s staring at a blank document opened on her screen instead, too distracted by Liam cooking and blasting music from her phone.

[“You can't wake up, this is not a dream,”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRHNi3QfFlE) sings Halsey, and Louis stops the song as soon as humanly possible. Liam continues to sing along to the song for a while until she realises there is no music. Louis wishes her life was a bad dream. She would wake up to a normal life without hiding from her own feelings.

“Are you okay?” Liam asks and Louis can see her worries. She can’t stand the look.  
“Yeah, yeah, it’s just a headache. Been writing the fucking paper for World Com the whole night.”  
“I thought you had finished that already,” Liam says confusedly.  
“Uhm…I’m rewriting it.” Louis would feel proud of her white lies if she could feel anything besides utter exhaustion.

As usual, she shuts herself in her room after dinner. This night will be different - she has a packet of weed tucked inside the inner pocket of her laptop bag. When she wakes up with an unbearable ringing in her ears from yet another night dreaming about Harry, she sits on a windowsill and lights the cigarette.

She can feel the anxiety dilute with every drag. This is what she needed all along. Her limbs get heavy and so do her eyelids. She can barely extinguish the joint before she climbs back into bed and passes out.

\----

Weed helps Louis only for so long. Then she tries combining coffee and energy drinks and weed together. She throws up.

\---

Louis is used to working hard. She was always trying to match Harry, a brilliant, bright student, every teacher’s dream. Louis isn’t stupid, she has to remind herself. But she had to work harder to achieve the same things. And while she wants to study all days and nights long, to put her sleepless nights to a good use, she can’t. She can’t stop worrying about failing her courses and getting kicked off from university after the first semester.

Her flatmates, lovely caring people, take Louis out on a Friday night. They truly believe it can cheer her up. It’s only a sign that they don’t know her enough - Harry wouldn’t do that. Harry would cuddle her in bed and 

STOP!

Louis shouts out loud while dancing in a sweaty club. No thoughts about Harry allowed tonight.

She extricates herself from the mass of grinding bodies to get a drink. She chugs a glass of water in one go and goes to the bathroom. There are two girls in a corner kissing and Louis quickly averts her eyes. While she washes her hands, she watches them in the mirror. They stopped kissing and one of them is holding a small packet with a few small white pills.

“Gonna feel s’good…” Louis can hear her say.

Suddenly Niall barges into the bathroom, singing some Irish song at the top of her lungs and sweeps Louis back onto the dancefloor. But the image of the drugs is stuck in Louis’ fuzzy brain. One little pill might stop her feeling [alone in a crowd](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXeKoGx9zoM).

\----

There's a whirlwind of parties. And not only on weekends but over the weeknights, too. Louis goes to clubs, dances till her feet hurt, the [physical pain numb the emotional pain](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh2LWWORoiM). She accepts drinks and shots from guys, not bothering remembering their names or faces. But she can't shake off the wrong feeling she gets dancing too close to them. She kisses a few of them. She even lets one guy drag her out and push her on her knees. Before she can do more, she gets sick all over the guy’s shoes.

After wild nights out always come difficult mornings. Niall and Liam insist going to lectures together and they always drag Louis with them. And Louis is happy for that. She wouldn’t go on her own, too drained for that, but she loves her flatmates and wants to make them happy - as she has always wanted with everyone dear to her heart. She can’t focus much, but it feels good taking notes and paying at least a bit of attention.

One afternoon halfway through the winter semester, Liam insist taking Louis to a café.  
“It has this cool vibe, I can’t wait to study there for exams!” Liam says with too much enthusiasm.  
“Liam…did you really just say…nevermind,” Louis can’t finish a proper sentence now. Great. Liam’s phone pings with a text.  
“Oh, great, the textbook I wanted is finally available! I have to pick it up before someone else. Can you wait for me at the café? It won’t take long. Oh, order a cappuccino for me? Taaaa!” And she’s gone.

Louis orders a cappuccino and a chamomile tea and sits down on a sofa. It is a really nice place and she has to admit it has a cool atmosphere. The sofa is comfy and it’s quiet, but not too quiet. Louis likes it here.

As she takes in the surroundings, a girl sitting across the café catches her eye. She’s got long platinum hair with a side shave and she’s gesticulating wildly, clearly excited about something. Louis’ heart rate picks up as she drags her eyes over her body. The girl’s wearing a plaid mid-thigh length shirt dress, and over-the-knee boots. It’s the sliver of naked skin of the girl’s thigh that makes Louis choke on her tea. The girl is hot, Louis can’t help the thought. She looks down on the tea in her hands. Excitement and arousal are immediately transformed into embarrassment and shame. She feels like a creep, ogling strange girls.

The girl looks over her shoulder at the entrance and then on Louis. She gives Louis a sweet smile, looking at her for a second too long, and then turns back to her companion. Louis panics. She flees the café, Liam long forgotten. She’s a creep and on top of that she won’t ever be able to smile at a girl back, to show an interest. 

The scene keeps replying in her head for the rest of the day. The sweet excitement turns sour, something ugly twisting her insides. She’s so tired from trying to run from her thoughts, that keeps getting more and more urgent, when she knows very well she can’t escape them. That night is when she stops trying whatsoever. [Sorrow won.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vGrnVqoU3U4)

Wild nights are traded for nights in. Louis actually barely leaves her bed, only for classes and occasionally a meal at the kitchenette. Like this she has a lot of time to think. The thing is, Louis doesn’t even know who she is anymore. She doesn’t recognise the person she’s become. Every time Louis starts thinking about anything, [it comes back to](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3x6Y2fYGrmM) Harry. To Harry, who she is without her. She got so used to that girl being her shadow, Louis can’t recognise herself anymore. Is that good or bad thing, being attached to a person like that? 

\----

Louis knows something has to give. When she opens her laptop with shaky fingers to finally search for help on Google, she clicks on a wrong icon on her messy desktop. Instead of a browser window she ends up with a photo of her and Harry that her Mum took, it’s the one with A-levels results, both of them smiling like lunatics.

Louis doesn’t close the picture. She keeps staring at it, at Harry. She physically feels wall she’s been building around herself cracking and then [tumbling down](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bhACdrTyb8) completely. For the first time she says the words in her head. I love you. I love you and I need you, [as desperate as that sounds](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axKguLdeMEY). She starts crying as she realizes, at last she doesn’t feel empty.

Of course Liam hears her crying, barging into Louis’ bedroom and hugging her tightly. Louis shakes with sobs.

“What is it, Lou? You can tell me. Or not. But I’m here,” Liam whispers while petting Louis hair. That’s when Niall comes home and joins them on the bed. Louis’ ears are ringing with the words she wants to say so bad, to share this awful secret.

She takes a deep breath and then says it. 

“I’m…I’m gay.” The world doesn’t end. So she repeats it. “I’m gay. And I’m in love with my best friend.” Liam’s hug gets tighter, while Niall kisses her cheek over and over.

\----

Louis would have liked to think that after accepting her attraction to girls and admitting it to her friends, everything will get magically sorted. It doesn’t. She gets finally some sleep, but there are nights when she wishes all of this was just a bad dream. She still can’t focus much on her classes. Liam and Niall don’t leave her alone, most of the time they’re just sitting with her, silent, but when Louis wants to talk, they listen.

Louis knows the girls have a million questions and Louis answers only some of them. She talks about Harry and how Louis ruined their friendship by falling for her and then running away without explanation. Talking about what happened gets easier.

Louis posts a link to a song on her Facebook. She hasn’t done that in months, but she wants to share it, even though nobody will get the true meaning behind that. A new notification appears immediately after. Somebody liked the link. Harry liked the link.

“Liam… look.” Liam leaves the stove and comes to the kitchen table to look over Louis’ shoulder.  
“Marina and the Diamonds? [Happy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCB_MbYyCYQ)? Don’t know that one, can you play it?”  
“It’s not about the song, look who liked it.” Louis’ heart is beating wildly.  
“Harry Styles? Like…your Harry?”  
“Not mine but yeah. I thought that maybe…she unfriended me. We haven’t talked since I run away,” Louis sighs.  
“She didn’t, that’s good,” Liam says, giving Louis a brief hug and going back to the stove.

“Do you think…that she’s happy I’m happy?” _That she gets the hidden meaning_, Louis wants to add. She doesn’t.  
“Dunno. Only one way to find out. You should talk to her.”  
“I’m afraid,” Louis whispers and plays nervously with the space bar on her keyboard.  
“Afraid of what?” Liam looks over her shoulder, but keeps stirring the beans on the stove.  
“That she won’t talk to me.”  
“You’ll never know if you don't try, Louis. I think she’s really confused about what happened. She will want to hear your explanation, I’m sure.” Liam takes the pot off the stove and walks over to Louis. “Why don’t you call her?

Louis shrugs. It doesn’t feel right, to call Harry out of the blue.

“Here, let’s eat. And we can discuss it later, okay?”

Louis is not hungry, but takes a few bites anyway. She wants to run away from the only right option in this situation. But she’s done running, she has to remind herself. Face the problem.  
“Li?” Louis asks, when Liam finishes her dinner.  
“Hm?”  
“I need to see Harry in person.”  
Liam beams and hugs Louis tightly. “That’s my brave girl.”

“I don’t know where to find her. Mum mentioned meeting Anne, Harry’s Mum, in a supermarket a few weeks back. Harry apparently moved to Manchester, but that’s all I know.”  
“Why don’t you look at her Facebook profile?”

Louis is too nervous of what she might find there, so she takes another bite of her dinner. 

“I can do it, if you want.”

After a long contemplation, Louis accepts Liam’s offer to look at Harry’s page.

Only a few clicks in, Louis starts nervously pacing the floor, as much as one can in a tiny kitchenette.  
“Do you have anything? Do you know where I can find her?” 

“Wait a moment, geez!” Liam is clicking and typing furiously on Louis’ computer.  
“You’d be a useless agent, Mr. Bond.” Louis tries for her best Judi Dench impression.  
“Oh, I don’t think so,” Niall appears out of nowhere, munching on an apple.  
“Huh, do share, Niall,” Louis snaps at her. She’s not actually upset at Niall, but she’s nervous, okay?  
“She’s a woman, she’d be a better Bond than all the male Bonds,” Niall shrugs, taking another bite of the apple and disappearing in her bedroom.

“Got it!” Liam finally says. Harry didn’t ditch the University of Manchester, but Louis’ safest bet to find her would be to visit the café where she works.  
“She works every Tuesday and Friday afternoon and some weekends. And she posts too many photos of pancakes on her instagram. Probably should talk about that with her.”  
“Yes, that is exactly what I wanna talk about,” Louis rolls her eyes. “But thank you, Li. You’re the best.”

\----

It’s Friday morning and Louis is leaving for Manchester in an hour. She’s nervous, but she’s gathered enough courage to at least make it to the train station. She’s been imagining different scenarios in her head and Niall and Liam have been giving her a pep talk every day.

They’re in the middle of the final pep talk before Louis has to go.  
“Remember what we said, okay? You got this, Lou, you’re gonna make it! Here, I have something for you,” Niall offers Louis a small sachet.  
“Hey, I got you something, too!” says Liam, holding a little box.

Louis opens Niall’s present first. There is a silver necklace with a female sign pendant. When she opens Liam’s present, there is the same necklace, but golden. She loves them and she loves her flatmates. Louis has to laugh when she sees both girls’ frowning faces.  
“Thank you both, they’re great.”  
“You can give one to Harry then,” smiles Niall brightly. “Good luck, Lou!”  
“Good luck. Go get your girl!”

\----

Louis is sitting on a train to Manchester, [travelling north to find](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cl1Ze-QElk8) Harry, and can’t breathe. They are still at the platform, about five minutes before departure, and Louis would like to get the fuck out, but she can’t. She has to talk to Harry, has to apologise for running away and hopefully get her best friend back. After months of doing nothing, she’s determined to make an action, as difficult as it might be. She doesn’t hold her breath that Harry would reciprocate her feelings. But Louis would find a way how to deal with that, right?

The train finally moves from the platform and a new wave of anxiety induced nausea hits Louis. 

“Hey, are you okay?” asks a young woman, sitting next to Louis. She hadn’t noticed there was someone occupying the aisle seat. Louis shakes her head no. No point in denying her current state.  
“What is it? Are you sick?”  
“‘M nervous.” Louis feels cold sweat and her hands shake. She can’t breathe.  
“Okay, look at me,” says the woman. “I’m Clare. Just follow my instructions. Inhale, hold in, exhale. There you go. Again.”

They do more breathing exercises together and Clare talks Louis through the anxiety attack. Louis feels substantially better.  
“Here, drink some water,” Clare offers Louis a plastic bottle.  
“Thank you. I’m Louis, by the way.” 

They continue talking the whole three-hour-long ride. Clare is lovely and doesn’t let Louis get back into her head. She’s glad - it was a scary experience. Louis has never had such bad panic attack before. She hopes it won’t happen again today. It would be too much for her to handle and this whole mission would be ruined.

\----

After Louis says bye to Clare, she gets on her way. She summons all the courage left in her to walk in the lovely looking café. It’s very busy and it smells like coffee, pancakes and bacon in there. Almost all the tables are occupied and there’s this typical bustle of a coffee shop - clinking of cups, scraping of cutlery on plates, hissing of coffee machines. Louis’ mouth waters when she sees the plates full of pancakes with maple syrup and bacon. But she’s not here to eat.

She’s been standing in the middle of the room, looking around and straining her neck looking for Harry. It seems she’s not here though. Louis turns around, spotting a free table and decides to sit down and wait for a while so she doesn’t look like an idiot standing for no reason in the middle of a coffee shop.

That’s when she hears a familiar voice.  
“Hello, welcome to Moose Coffee, how can I help you?” Louis turns around and there Harry is. Louis is in a shock and can’t say a word, her mouth too dry suddenly. Her hands are shaking. 

Harry’s face is mirroring Louis’ feelings and that’s all Louis can take. She runs out from the shop and where are the tears coming from? She thought she hasn’t any left.

Louis has to stop by the nearest lamppost, dizzy and feeling like her knees are going to give out any second. There’s a light touch on her shoulder and she flinches and turns around. Harry is standing there in front of Louis, looking at her like she would at a spooked wild animal. Louis takes a step back; she can’t stand being on the receiving end of that look from Harry.  
“It’s really you,” Harry whispers. The words almost get lost in the noise of the city.

Louis had so many prepared scenarios and what to say. She should have known they would all be forgotten, standing face to face with Harry.  
“You…you liked my post. The song.” Of all things Louis could say, she says the most stupid one. She blushes. Harry nods and smiles a gentle smile.

“Harry, I’m so sorry.” And here are more tears.  
“What? No, Lou, you have nothing to be sorry for.”  


Louis wipes tears from her cheeks. Harry looks distressed. Louis takes a few steps forward and reaches for Harry’s hand. Harry takes a breath to say something but is interrupted by an unfamiliar voice coming from the coffee shop.  
“Harry, where are you?”  
“Coming,” Harry answers, but doesn’t move. “Lou, can we talk later? Please?” Harry’s eyes are begging Louis to say yes.  
“‘F course.”  
“Thank you.” She takes a notepad from her apron and writes something. “Here’s my address, come around seven, please.”  


Louis nods.

\----

Louis spends the afternoon on the phone with Liam and Niall, so she avoided another panic attack until she's standing at Harry's door. With her heart in her stomach, she knocks. Louis didn’t expect it would be easy, but [no one ever said it would be this hard](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A). Harry answers the door immediately. Her hair is in a messy bun and she’s changed the crisp white button up from work to a threadbare band T-shirt from a concert they went to together. She's so lovely, is all Louis can think.

“Hey, you came. Come in.”  
“I'm early, I know,” Louis blushes.  
“For the first time ever,” Harry tries to joke. It falls flat, both of them too unsure of what to expect.

Harry's place is a studio flat. There's a small kitchenette and a living room merged together and two doors, presumably leading to a bedroom and a bathroom. Louis can feel Harry’s gaze on her as she takes in her surroundings.  
“Yeah, I know it's small. But it's mine.”  
“You’ve always wanted a place like this. You’ve made it very cozy.” Louis takes in all candles, fairy lights, and photos.  
“Not a size of a shoebox, though. Please, sit down. Do you want something to drink? Tea? I have some wine as well.”

Louis shudders in the mention of alcohol.  
“No alcohol for me,” she answers. She can’t stand alcohol after the turbulent months in the beginning of university.  
“Oh…a cuppa, then?”  
“Perfect.”

Louis sits on the sofa. It looks like its best days are long over but is very comfortable. In a moment, Harry moves [through the room, like breathing was easy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nW5AF0m9Zw) for her, eventually placing two steaming cups on the table in front of them and sitting down. Harry is nervous, Louis can tell. Louis thought she would feel more nervous, face to face with Harry for the first time in five months, but feels oddly calm.

“Lou… I’m so sorry,” Harry starts with a shaky voice. “I shouldn’t have agreed to go out with Zayn and hurt you. I’m so sorry for ruining our friendship like that. I wanted to reach to you but then… I was so scared you wouldn’t want to talk to me. Sorry, I’m so sorry.” Harry is visibly shaking.  
“Harry, if anyone ruined our friendship, it was me. I…I wasn’t honest with you…or myself. I like girls. And I fell for you. I’m sorry, I tried to fight it and…” 

Harry’s breath hitches and for the first time in this conversation she looks Louis in the eye.  
“I love you, too.”  
“What? You…love me? You like girls?”  
“And boys,” Harry says gingerly. “I’ve always thought that what I’ve felt towards you was normal, you were my best friend. But then I came here and start noticing people…especially girls…and it hit me… It was more than just missing a friend. I love you, Louis.”

Louis is speechless and crying once again. But it’s okay, Harry is crying, too, and she’s hugging Louis tightly. They spend some time embraced like that, slowly calming down. Louis can feel Harry’s hot breath on her neck, moving across her cheek, until they’re face to face. Harry’s eyes are red rimmed, mascara smudged, yet she’s still so beautiful.

“Can I kiss you?” Harry whispers and Louis can feel it, the breath on her cheek, rather than hear. She nods.

And they kiss. And it’s perfect. For the first time, Louis lets herself enjoy the feeling without shame and second guessing. Harry tastes amazing, all Earl Grey and mint bubble gum and a watermelon lip gloss. Louis savours the moment, not rushing anywhere. And when Harry licks into Louis’ mouth, Louis thinks she’s going to die. Her lips are soft and she gently cradles Louis’ cheeks with her hands. Louis feels like coming home. Harry is her home.

They have to catch a breath after a while, which is a shame, if anybody would ask Louis. But there are too many things left to be discussed.  
“So that’s why you were so anxious? You could have told me about it…” Harry looks hurt.  
“No, I couldn’t, Harry. I couldn’t even think about fancying girls in my head without feeling like I wanted to jump out of a window from shame. I’ve had the most shitty time since uni started. You have no idea…and I didn’t have my best friend next to me and I did things I’m not proud of…it’s been horrible without you.”  
“Oh, love, come here. You have me. You have your best friend back.” Harry hugs Louis again. “And a girlfriend, if you want.”  
“Never wanted anything more,” Louis whispers into Harry’s soft hair. “Can I ask you for something, though?”  
“Yes, anything.”  
“Be patient with me? I really want to hold your hand in public, it’s just…it’s new and some days I struggle to even look at myself in a mirror.”  
“I promise. We can take it slow.” Harry kisses Louis’ temple and Louis feels warm all over. “Now kiss me, you fool!”

After some more snogging, the girls get to their lukewarm teas.

Harry sits criss cross on the couch, facing Louis. “Now tell me, what do you do? Where have you gone? I have no idea.”

Louis finishes her cold tea while talking about Bristol, leaving the worst parts out. There’s going to be a better time for discussing that. And then with another cup of tea Harry tells Louis her story. They’ve been talking for almost two hours and it’s getting late.  
“I should go, so I can catch the last train back.” Nervousness creeps onto Louis, for the first time since she’s come into Harry’s flat. _What now? What am I supposed to do now?_  
“Do you have to?” Harry frowns. “You could stay over.”  
“I don’t want to bother you…”  
“What are you talking about? I’m not letting you go now! When do you have to go back to Bristol? At the latest.” Harry wraps her arms around Louis in a tight koala hug.  
“Sunday evening. At the latest,” Louis mumbles into Harry’s hair.  
“Then stay with me. I don’t work this weekend. Please, stay. I’m not gonna let you go without a fight this time.”

And Louis stays. That night, with Harry fast asleep and [her cold feet rubbing up against](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bnZxWpwvFEk) Louis’, Louis’ mind is racing, replaying today’s events over and over. Louis wanted her best friend back and now she has a girlfriend. Are we going too fast? She gets nervous all of a sudden, her heart beating faster and it’s not pleasant. She takes a deep breath and tries to calm down and think. Be honest with you and with Harry. Tell her how you feel. Yes, that’s it. She’s going to voice her doubts to Harry tomorrow. With that, she finally calms down. She feels something she thought she’d lost a long time ago. And that feeling is close to feeling invincible.

\----

It’s a Saturday evening and Louis is doing the dishes while Harry takes a shower. Louis can hear her singing and the splashing of water. Louis’ lips are tender and tingly from all the kissing. They have spent the whole day on the sofa. They talked a lot about their relationship, Louis told Harry the less pleasant parts of her stay in Bristol, but for every hard topic there was a sweet reward. Louis can’t get enough of kissing Harry. Their bodies pressed closely, wandering hands never going too far, but maddening all the same.

Suddenly Harry’s behind her, nuzzling into her neck. Louis turns around and her breath hitches. Harry wears just a fluffy white towel, droplets of water sliding down her throat. Harry kisses her, backing Louis up against the sink, bodies pressed together. The kiss gets heated quickly, Harry nipping at Louis’ bottom lip. Louis grabs her by her hips and squeezes her ass.  
“Lou,” Harry moans, “bedroom...? Are you okay with that?”  
“Yeah… yes, please.”  
“Okay then…let’s get you a shower first.”

Harry leads Louis to the bathroom, holding her hand. It’s still humid and warm in there. Harry doesn’t speak again. Louis would feel nervous, but Harry takes it slow, searching Louis’ face for any trace of discomfort or hesitation. First Louis’ T-shirt is off and then her sweatpants and she’s standing in front of Harry in her mismatched underwear. Harry gives her a peck on the corner of her mouth.

“You’re beautiful. Take your time. I’ll be waiting.” With that, she’s gone.

Harry is indeed waiting, sitting provocatively on the side of the bed, lit up candles and fairy lights around the bedroom. When Louis enters, wearing only a towel as well, Harry stands up and slowly eases Louis down on her back on the bed. Harry lays close on her side. She never lets go of Louis’ hand.

“You’re so, so beautiful, love. Can’t believe my luck.” Harry whispers. She is a charmer without a doubt. “Can I kiss you? Can I mark you up? I wanted to do that for such a long time.”

Louis must be dreaming. There’s no chance this is really happening. Harry’s lips on hers and her tongue and her hands touching her so lightly feel unreal. Then a sharp pain brings Louis to reality. Harry’s biting at her throat and sucking a bruise there and then one above Louis’ collarbone.

Louis is out of her mind when Harry takes off both of their towels. Harry is all milky skin and soft curves. But she doesn’t let Louis admire her naked body, her breasts especially, as she’s looming above Louis and kissing her way down, from Louis’ neck, over her collarbones, and down to her breasts.

Louis had never known her nipples were so sensitive. Harry breathes over them, licks them, takes them between her long fingers and pinches them lightly before she takes one in her mouth. Louis thinks she might come on the spot. It’s wet and warm and the most delicious feeling. She whimpers and her back arches involuntarily.

“Oh yes, let me hear you, love,” Harry mutters, “wanna hear you.”

Harry takes her time playing with Louis’ breasts and then kisses over Louis’ stomach. Harry knows Louis is ticklish, so it’s only light kisses and kitten licks. Sharp pain contrasts with tender touches as Harry sucks yet another mark onto Louis’ body, above her hip bone. Louis wants her whole body marked by Harry, wants a reminder of this weekend.

Harry levels her body with Louis’, looking Louis in the eyes. The wild desire Louis sees there takes her breath away. 

“I wanna make you feel good, okay? If you want me to stop, I’ll stop immediately.” Louis nods, too wound up to answer properly. Her heart is beating wildly and she can’t stand Harry’s heated gaze. She turns her head away from Harry.  
“No, no, no, none of that,” Harry murmurs into Louis’ ear. “Eyes on me, love.”

They both trace the path Harry’s hand makes as she moves down Louis’ body with their eyes. Only when she gets to Louis’ pubic hair does it becomes too much again. Just the feeling of another person touching her there is enough. Louis focuses on [the curl of Harry’s lips](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U05QfLENZA8) instead. Harry is good with her hands. Very good. She traces patterns over Louis’ pubic bone and then lightly touches her outer lips, eases Louis into the touch.

“You’re so wet…all for me, Lou…” Harry’s moan sends sparks of arousal all over Louis’ body. It’s a tad too much for Louis, her senses on overdrive. Harry stops with her movements, mistaking Louis’ silence for hesitance. “Do you want me to stop? Are you okay?” 

Louis smiles and nods. “More… please. Keep talking,” Louis slurs. Harry kisses her sweetly.

And then finally Harry touches Louis properly. She starts with light touches and then circles Louis’ clit, already throbbing with the teasing. Louis is ridiculously wet. Harry seems into it, moaning and panting like it’s her being touched.

Harry rubs her fingers down Louis’ clit to her entrance and back, changing pressure and pace. Louis’ toes are curled and her hands fist the bedsheet, whimpers coming out of her open mouth.

“You look incredible. So hot like this, all for me. Are you close? Wanna see you come…” Harry has such a dirty mouth, but Louis barely registers the words now, drowning in her pleasure.

It doesn’t take long for Louis to come, Harry putting oh so sweet pressure on Louis’ clit with her fingers and licking over her nipples. Louis comes hard, Harry making it even better as she touches Louis through it and it takes a long time for her to stop shaking, still feeling her orgasm pulsing through her.

When Louis’ mind finally comes back, she sees that Harry has straddled Louis’ thigh, humping her. Louis can’t stop looking at Harry’s bouncing breasts. With her eyes closed, lips parted, and messy halo of curls, Louis has never seen Harry more beautiful. Louis grabs Harry’s hips and feels the sensual movements of her body. Harry smiles down at Louis and then closes her eyes, focusing on her pleasure. As Harry gets closer to the edge, her movements get jerkier and faster and Louis can feel her wetness on her thigh. She presses up in to Harry and Harry comes, moaning loudly, head thrown back in ecstasy. 

Harry topples over Louis, half her body on top of Louis’, panting. Their bodies are sweaty and hot. They cuddle for a while, Harry peppering Louis’ skin with kisses without moving much. But Louis needs more. Seeing and feeling Harry come has made her horny again and she can’t think straight.

“Hazza, please…more. I need more,” she chokes. Harry’s eyes sparkle and she grins.  
“Oh, I’ve got myself a horny minx, I like that.” Louis definitely blushes.  
“You have to work for it this time.” Harry then lays on her back and helps Louis to reverse their position, Louis straddling Harry’s leg now.

It’s a completely new feeling for Louis, naked on top of another person, and she gets anxious. Harry senses Louis’ discomfort and kisses her through it, whispering encouragements and using the sweetest endearments Louis has ever heard. It’s all sweet and tender until Harry grabs Louis hips and helps her find the perfect rhythm. 

Louis is out of her mind with how good it feels, the slick skin of Harry’s thigh pressing into Louis’ clit. Louis savours the feeling, enjoys every movement. When Harry grabs her ass, grinding Louis hard onto her thigh and slipping one finger between her cheeks, Louis comes for the second time. Her vision blacks out entirely and nothing but infinite pleasure exists. It’s waves upon waves and that doesn’t seem to stop.

Louis gets back to reality eventually. She feels spent, her whole body tingling. She hasn’t felt like this before, content, loved, in love. Happiness bubbles in her belly.  
“I love you,” she hears Harry mutter over and over. “Knew you were perfect for me. The things I wanna do to you…”  
“Fuck…” Louis moans and wraps herself around Harry.  
“That’s on the list, too.” Harry giggles. “Now sleep.”

When Louis wakes up the next morning, it’s with her face full of Harry’s hair, still naked, feeling rather disgusting and in need of a shower. Instead, she hugs Harry tighter and goes back to sleep.

\---- 

Harry goes to the train station with Louis. At first, she’s okay with holding Harry’s hand, but as the streets get busier she gets more nervous.

“No pressure, love,” Harry murmurs and lets go of Louis’ hand. They lock their arms instead.  
“We probably look like we stepped out of Jane Austen’s novel.”  
“Do you mind?” Harry asks and slows their steps. Louis stumbles a bit.  
“No. No, I don’t.”  
“Good, then.” Harry smiles reassuringly. Louis could cry with how happy she is that she has Harry back in her life.

Before they say their final goodbye, Louis remembers the necklaces from Liam and Niall.

“Hey, I have something for you!”  
“Me?”  
“Yes! I almost forgot. Gold or silver?”  
“What? I don’t know!”  
“Just choose one. It’s not a rocket science.” Louis rolls her eyes affectionately.  
“Okay, Miss Smartpants. Hm… Silver.”  
“Great choice.”

Louis grabs a black velvet sachet from her backpack and gives it to Harry. She opens the sachet quickly, curious as what could be inside and picks the silver necklace carefully.  
“Oh, wow, Louis… It’s beautiful, love!”  
“Yeah? Do you like it?”  
“Absolutely! How did you get it?”  
“It’s actually a gift from Niall. I got a gold one from Liam. And they told me to give you one, if things would go well.” Louis blushes and looks down on her shoes.  
“Gosh, I want to kiss you,” Harry whispers. Louis just sighs. “It’s okay, love. Would you mind putting it on for me?”  
“That I can do. Turn around.”

Harry obeys and Louis brushes Harry’s long curls off her left shoulder. She can see the goosebumps on Harry’s skin just from the light contact. Louis is so gone for that girl. She fumbles with the tiny fastening and finally succeeds on the third try. 

Harry turns back and asks:  
“How do I look?”  
“Beautiful.” Louis’ heart is beating wildly in her chest. Harry’s so gorgeous Louis could cry.

After that it’s rushed goodbye and Louis boards the train at the last moment. A long journey awaits Louis. Not only back to Bristol, but also in terms of self-acceptance. 

\----

**EPILOGUE**

It’s a warm, sunny morning at the end of August. [People started running in the park](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZ0wuh6kl_c), where two young women are lying on a green plush grass, looking up at a blue sky with only a few fluffy white clouds. They are holding hands and animatedly talking, like only people in love can.

A woman with a flower crown in her dark, curly hair squeals excitedly.  
“I want ice cream for lunch! With a caramel sauce and strawberries and chocolate chips and whipped cream!”  
“Can we stop by the swings first? Please, Hazza?” asks the other woman, her bare feet digging into the grass. She giggles, but not because the grass tickles, but because she’s so in love she feels high.  
“Yes, Lou. Anything you want! And we could watch a film when we get home.”  
“James Bond?”  
“A James Bond marathon!”  
“Let’s go then, I don’t want to get sunburnt.” Louis is about to jump up from the ground when Harry tugs at her hand, brows furrowed with worry. 

“And…what about monsters under the bed?” she whispers.  
“Now we’re strong enough to scare them off together.”

**THE END.**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this story. Kudos and comments make me happy.
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](https://miafi.tumblr.com) \- come talk to me, I'm friendly. If you want to spread the word, [here](https://miafi.tumblr.com/post/189961014245/and-the-music-played-author-miadotfi-pairing) is the fic post.
> 
> P.S.: Wear sunscreen.


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